RPG Jokes & Parodies

 By Felipe Lohan Pinheiro da Silva

☙RPG Rooster/Cock❧

¿ Why the Rooster/cock crossed the street? Answer: because the entrance of the Dungeon was in the other side.

☙Christmas Tree Effect❧

The RPG warrior was wearing many magical “baubles” to give him bonuses, while the Brazilian judge had many “baubles” in his paycheck.

[Warrior]: He have more baubles than me.

☙RPG player: Root vs. Nutella❧

(See the glossary entry for the “Nutella Generation” for more info)

root@localhost:~# cat root-list.txt

0 – Kills every monster in the dungeon, except for the monster babies, so they can grow up and reproduce, so he come back to kill them later (basically treats it like hunting).

1 – Reads the fucking rulebooks and makes suggestions of houserules to ƒіx/improve them.

2 – His character died suddenly because of a bad roll. He simply creates a new one.

3 – ᴊ̇ust plays the game naturally, w/ all of the issues and conseqüences that may arise from this.

4 – ᴊ̇ust plays the fucking games that he fucking likes.

Nutella_Player@localhost:~$ cat Nutella-list.txt

0 – Never kills anyone w/out a “good reason”.

1 – Have a “narrativist approach” to the roleplaying.

2 – Uses a “safety tool/mechanism” to avoid sensible/controversial topics, to promote a so-called “inclusiveness” and to create the so-called “safe spaces” (like X-Card, Lines & Veils, Stoplight/Supporting Flower, Cut/Brake, Scripting Change/Editing, etc.).

3 – Thinks he’s oldschool just because he purchases titles w/ the “oldschool” label.

☙Forbidden Desires – The Retroclones❧

My name is Anna, İ have 11 years old. İn my 11th birthday, my dad gave me a gift. As we are RPG players, he gave me a complete set of RPG books, with all material needed to play. Soon İ began to play it with my friends.

But one day İ knew Mark for the ƒіrst time. He's a new guy in the town. Soon İ invited him to my house. But we have a secret: he introduced me to the retro-clone systems.

One day my dad came to home sooner than İ expected, so he caught us "red handed": the books that he purchased (including the GM Screen) were on the shelf. Mark was behind a homemade GM Screen made from a cereal box on the table. My homemade character sheet written in a notebook page. Home printed rulebooks of several retroclones on the table.

My dad closed the door, while a tear rolled over his face. He said:

[Dad]: İ never thought that my own daughter was involved in the retroclones.

[me]: Dad, İ’m not harming anyone. İt’s just our way to have fun...

[Dad]: İ have a confession to make: İ also played retroclones some time ago. İ hide to you because İ don't think that it’s an appropriate lifestyle to an adult man like me, let alone to a young girl like you. The RPG community of our neighborhood is so traditionalist that will never accept a family that play retroclones.

[Mark, with a malicious smile, pointing to a blank notebook]: Mister ᴊ̇ohn, make a character and enter in the dungeon with us.

[Dad]: Wait a little bit...

He opened the door and disappeared for some minutes. He returned with a home printed rulebook of a retroclone that neither me and mark knew yet. He made his character and was ready to enter in the dungeon, when İ said:

[Me]: Well, thinking about it, İ don’t know if this is a good idea.

[Dad]: There’s no point of return now, since İ’m up to my eyeballs in it.

So we entered the dungeon, killed the minions and faced the dragon in the last room. İ inflicted severe magical damage on him and he did the “coup de grace”, beheading him with the magical weapon. This was the pinnacle of the roleplaying.

So my dad and İ hugged each other.

[me, weeping]: Dad…

[Dad, also weeping]: Anne. My little girl grow up…

[Mark, still with with malicious smile]: Both have enough XP to level up now.

***

Now the things changed. Mark is now my boyfriend. We have a larger secret retroclone group and my dad is part of it. When Mark is running a session he uses a black hooded cape. My dad uses a black leather beret and a sleeveless black leather vest, so he can show his tattoo written “Retroclone” in his bicep. İ use a tight black leather pants, a pair of thigh high black leather boots, a black leather corset and a black leather choker with “Retroclone” in silver. So we light the scented candles and turn off the lights. We build the appropriate atmosphere with a soundtrack and the session begins.

Our group is planning to come out of the closet next season, in my 15th birthday (so İ will be a debutante). We live in wonderful world, and we have do what we like without prejudices. And we want to change our reality so that retroclones will not be forbidden desires anymore.